Home.

It is incredible how my scope always involves getting back to Tanzania. When I got on the plane to come back to America I couldn't believe it was happening. I felt my heart beat quickly and my mind seemed to try to catch up to my body - I honestly couldn't think of life if it wasn't in Moshi.

The night before I left I slept in my room alone. This was the most strange feeling. I had a hard time sleeping and i laid in bed trying to wrap my head around the idea of not sleeping in that bed the next night. I looked at the empty beds around me, at the items my former roommates had left and my bags sitting stoically in the corner and I felt my heart slowly begin to sink. This was really it.

I had gone to school and back to the orphanage earlier that day, and when i got there I painted and just sat and held the kids in my arms while wishing that they will be safe and taken care of, that they will be loved everyday, even if it is not by me. i had finished packing and felt the emptiness of the Home Base and tried to see everyone before I had to get in the car and go.

On the first plane I got to sit with Steven and Courtney for a little while, which really helped me stay put together and kept my mind occupied. Once i went back to my original seat far behind them, however, the tears started to flow. The flight consisted of me crying, feeling somewhat lost and sleeping. The rest of my flying experience involved me trying to say hi to a lot of people, speaking Swahili constantly and me trying to gravitate toward people who looked like they were from Africa because i wanted to be by someone who understood me (I really just wanted to turn around). And of course, all of this was met with awkward responses and strange looks.

When i finally arrived home I was anxious. I couldn't wait to give my mom a hug, but I was nervous to enter my house and not feel my grandma's presence there. When my mom came and hugged me I was a little bit overwhelmed, I was so happy to see her but also still a little bit lost. I still didn't understand that I was all the way back in Salt Lake City. We got to my house and I unpacked and doled out the presents I had for my family and for Casey and showed them a lot of the cool things I had brought back. I also just talked on and on about Africa - in SwaEnglish no less. When it reached 1:30 a.m. or so we decided to go to bed, but I was wide awake. The nine hour difference made me awake and ready to go out - it was nighttime in TZ. Instead of sleeping i decided to unpack and put things away. This indadvertedly led me to my closet - which upon seeing I began to cry. I immediately found a huge box and began to throw clothes into it. After a couple of hours of cleaning out my entire room of things i deemed wholly unnecessary I fell asleep on top of my bed.

The next few days were a blur of strange feelings while trying to adjust to life in America, a nine hour time difference and life without my grandma. I would love to say these things were smooth and easy, but for honesty's sake, they definitely weren't. My grandma's funeral was held two days after my return home, and i sang and read for my family in the ceremony. I am so glad that I was able to give honor and tribute to my family's rock - it was wonderful to be there and to think about what a beautiful person my grandma was.

Since her funeral I have grown a lot. I have been trying to reconcile my experience with my life here. While sometimes I still cry and have a moment (like crying at the grocery store and feeling very overwhelmed), I still find myself taking my experience and having it give life to my day to day motions. I have been able to express so much love and support for my mom during this time of grief for my family, to help those who need it without thinking twice, I love more fully and I think more deeply. I perceive everything much differently now - I feel as though I have a better understanding of what matters and I actually ACT on it.

I cannot thank everyone enough for the love and support I have been given. The amount of excitement and love I have received since being home is overwhelming. I think about how many things the people in Africa taught me and I know they gave me so much more than what I alone could offer them. They have changed my life and continue to do so. I know I will get back there because my heart is still there, growing and beating steadily. I cannot wait to be there again, to love those kids even more fully and to learn everyday how to be a more real and genuine human being. I hope that my future trips to TZ can also bring life and beauty to those around me - to my family and friends :).

Maisha marefu, daima upendo.

Mt. Kilimanjaro.

In trying to explain what this experience was like I have found that I just end up talking about the different days and then wanting to laugh about all of the funny moments on the mountain that no one I am talking to would understand. This ends up with me just saying, "it was amazing and life-changing, I cried when I saw the sign at the top, the surroundings were different everyday and it left me with so many funny and fantastic memories."

For the sake of posterity, I will try to elaborate.
It was life-changing: climbing gave me the ability to really think and be inside my own head for awhile. After having my grandma pass away and then facing the reality of having to leave Africa soon after the climb I had a lot to think about. I was given a chance to really reflect on my time in Africa, my kids, the women I helped teach, my co-volunteers and who I was in relation to the world I now understood.

I cried when I saw the sign at the top; After 5 days of climbing and thinking about the summit, and then 7 hours of climbing up to Stella in the night while it was freezing cold and then 45 minutes to Uhuru we made it to the summit!! The feeling I felt was a mixture of joy, relief and excitement. I looked back at Becca with tears welling in my eyes because after experiencing and living through so many things we had finally conquered the 4th tallest mountain in the world!

memories: I have found that while some things that happened on the mountain were just reality at the time, now they are precious and funny memories. I feel that everything that happened was so wonderful and i know that it was a once in a lifetime experience because I had Becca, Kayla and Rachel with me, and our guides and the way everything happened was something i can re-live in my memory for years to come. Everything about it was wonderful, even if it wasn't wonderful at the time (even the scary spiders and being absolutely freezing and having to pee every 5 seconds due to the diamox).

While on Kili I learned that I can do so many things if I just set my mind to them. I am not saying that I wasn't aware of this before, but I was definitely putting this into action while climbing. I remember on summit day I just relied on the image of Becca's feet ahead of me. If I just kept following her feet i would  be fine. Here I must note that I was a little bit out of it due to the altitude, so my thoughts were a little strange at times. I also remember telling myself that climbing was all mental - my body could do it, I just had to believe i could and I had come all that way, of course I could summit. And...I did :). I am so grateful for the people with me, for our guides and porters and our amazing cook David and for my family and friends for being so excited and supportive of my climbing experience.

When i think about Kili i feel so happy and full of life. It is another thing that pulls me immediately back to the true happiness I felt in Africa and my desire to be back there grows strong.